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RE: Unconditional Love - 8/3/2010 11:58:43 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1227
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Question?
Do you have a photo of his dad?
If so is it on display with other family photos in the home?
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Unconditional Love - 8/3/2010 12:31:38 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 725
Joined: 7/13/2007
From: The South
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I agree with LivedLoved and iluvatar, they made some great points. IMO you are overreacting possibly because of your family history. It's something to consider at least. Like you've realized this is by far not the worst thing that could have happened. He came back from deployment safe and sound and it doesn't sound like he's dealing with intense PTSD which is a blessing. If this is the worst thing he's ever done then you have much to be thankful for.
Leave him alone. He knows the health risks and chooses to do it anyway. Smoking a several cigars a week may or may not cause health issues. It's not a guarantee. With things like this it's best to let the person come to the decision to quit on their own otherwise it probably won't last.
It's a habit that isn't very healthy but that's it. It's not like he's a raging alcoholic or doing illegal drugs. I think your reaction to this is going to affect your marriage much worse than his cigar smoking is going to affect his health.
Quit with the articles and reminders of his dad. That borders on manipulation and isn't healthy. He knew when he started smoking that there are health risks and decided to do it anyway. He also is very aware of what happened to his dad so bringing up stuff like that is not helpful, it's manipulative. You are only doing it to try and make him quit. Otherwise there would be no reason to bring up stuff that you both know he's already aware of. I also think that putting up a picture of his dad is manipulative and he'll see right through it.
I'm a little confused about how he lied to you. Was it the morning you think he took a cigar out of the box? 'Cause I don't see how he lied to you then. You already know he's smoking at work so if he grabs a cigar to take to work how is that lying? Maybe I overlooked or misunderstood something.
I do think you sound like a good, loving wife who is concerned about her husband's health. It's ok to be concerned and to voice those concerns but being manipulative and overreacting are not healthy ways to build a stronger relationship.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 8/3/2010 1:02:03 PM
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wifeandmomof3
Posts: 111
Joined: 7/27/2010
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The question about lying was regarding him saying he was working out, when he was taking cigars out. But, also he said that he would only be smoking once in a while, maybe once per month. He has been smoking at work, although hasn't said so. I haven't said anything about it, even though I can smell it. That isn't lying per say, but the volunteering the excuse of working out, when he was doing something else was weird. I didn't ask him what he was doing at all, so I wondered why he'd make up an excuse and how I should handle it. That's why I began the thread.
Manipulation is a strong word to use, and generally connotes an attempt to influence someone unfairly or for a selfish purpose. I don't think that's the case here. I did initially try to influence him to reevaluate his decision to smoke, because it's a bad decision. If he wanted to stop going to church, or to rob a bank, I would try to talk him out of those decisions as well (just comparisons of other possible negative decisions a person could make, not evaluations of what's worse than the other). I would speak with him, as well as present him with thoughtful, pertinent information. I wouldn't consider that manipulation, and I don't in this case either. I told him what I thought. I presented health information from multiple sources as well as a faith-based article on the subject. Then, I stopped saying anything about it, and have continued not to say anything.
I am still praying about it, both for him and for myself. And, I have reinvested myself into being as great a wife as possible. So, I don't think I have been or am being manipulative. I am concerned about myself, which is selfish to an extent, in that I don't want to watch him kill himself. But, that concern is not separate from my concern for his welfare, or for our children, so I think it's valid in many ways.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 8/3/2010 1:15:26 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 725
Joined: 7/13/2007
From: The South
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quote:
The question about lying was regarding him saying he was working out, when he was taking cigars out. But, also he said that he would only be smoking once in a while, maybe once per month. He has been smoking at work, although hasn't said so. I haven't said anything about it, even though I can smell it. That isn't lying per say, but the volunteering the excuse of working out, when he was doing something else was weird. I didn't ask him what he was doing at all, so I wondered why he'd make up an excuse and how I should handle it. That's why I began the thread.
If he did in fact work out then it wasn't a lie. He told you he worked out but didn't mention grabbing a cigar from the box. Is he supposed to mention it to you every time he grabs a cigar? If not, then he didn't lie or try to hide what he was doing. If he was actually trying to hide it he would tell you he quit and wouldn't have a cigar box in full view in the bedroom.
Cigar smoking is addictive so he may have started out thinking he would only smoke once per month but has gradually progressed to smoking more often. That's not a lie either. He's not talking to you about it because he knows you'll be upset but he's not really hiding it either, is he? He's got to know that you're likely to smell it on him when he comes home so he probably knows that you are aware he's smoking more often but doesn't want to talk about it because he knows how you feel about it and he doesn't want to go through the same conversations with you again.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 8/3/2010 1:27:35 PM
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wifeandmomof3
Posts: 111
Joined: 7/27/2010
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That's all true. And, that's why I stopped talking with him about it. I do wish the box wasn't in our room, so that maybe I wouldn't be reminded so much. But, it seems like a petty thing to bring up, so I wont.
If and when he decides to quit, I will do my best to help him if he asks, without making him feel bad about it. My purpose in any of my early discussions with him was never to make him feel bad, but only to help him. We're partners, not adversaries.
I really love him and am actively trying to do the right thing, not just follow my gut reactions. It's just not always easy to recognize what the right response is.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 8/10/2010 12:00:58 PM
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sarahlorrain
Posts: 14
Joined: 7/27/2010
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I just had to come check our your thread since you came and posted on mine. Thank you for that. It's amazing how similar our stories are!! I'm blown away that he watched his own father die of lung cancer and still chose to smoke. I can't imagine it. I would never smoke. My husband was actually in the room when my father took his last breath (I was out of the room changing the baby's diaper). The whole thing just doesn't make sense to you and I and that makes it very difficult. I can imagine how you feel with the humidor being in your bedroom where you have to see it all the time. I wonder if he would get upset if you asked him to put it somewhere where you don't have to see it? Like maybe under the bed? I completely understand how his little white lies - I don't know what to call them - hurt you. My husband has done the same thing! Not being honest about how much he smoked, etc etc. I am convinced that Satan uses things like this to try to drive us apart. He loves to hurt relationships and will do anything to accomplish that!! If you ever need to talk or need some extra encouragement, you are always welcome to pm me. It helps to have someone who really understands your feelings.
I think you are on the right track. Or at least I hope you are, because you're doing the same things that I'm doing!!  Stay strong and keep praying. Sometimes, when I would find my mind consumed with thoughts of the smoking, I would literally drop to my knees and pray about it (as long as I was at home, of course!) It helped a lot.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 8/10/2010 2:04:22 PM
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wifeandmomof3
Posts: 111
Joined: 7/27/2010
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I have done a lot of praying since the start of this, and even started keeping a prayer journal to write down little bits of scripture I come across or thoughts and then write and read a prayer about them.
Same here about the pm thing. I haven't used that before, but I'm sure I can figure it out. If you ever want to pm me, feel free.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 8/10/2010 2:05:47 PM
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wifeandmomof3
Posts: 111
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline
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It is now under the bed. I'd still prefer it not to be in the room, but at least I can't see it and keep track of it's movements.
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