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Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 11:53:51 AM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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I thought I would post this here in the married forum to see how you all dealt with your pasts.
My GF has had only one BF before me. He was four years older, smoked, drank, drugs, worked in a bar. Drop out. Tatooes.
How do I deal with all that they did? She is still a virgin. He did grope her. She pretended that she was asleep, to afraid to stop him. How do i deal with their relationship? We've been together two years. This still hurts.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 1:04:03 PM
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tscoffey
Posts: 36
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quote:
...to (sic) afraid to stop him
You have the answer right before your eyes. She was a victim. Initial poor choice, yes, but later a victim.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 1:56:38 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2728
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
My GF has had only one BF before me. He was four years older, smoked, drank, drugs, worked in a bar. Drop out. Tatooes. <> She pretended that she was asleep, to afraid to stop him.
She never had to have a relationship with him in the first place but she thought it was okay to be sleeping with him when she was afraid of him. Ask yourself what is broken in her that she was okay with putting herself in this situation.
When we marry, we marry each other's "scripts" in their minds of who they are and what they are worth and what hurts they feel obligated to accept from others. A woman who is scared and sticks around in really poor moral situations might not protect her children from scary, dangerous situations, either.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Here's my checklist for marriage suitability. For a woman, substitute submission for leadership, and domestic and childcare skills for career. And she for he, of course.
- Does he have a reputation as a godly man with his pastor and other mature Christians who've known him for years? Does he get in to his Bible daily, act on what he learns there and deal with his sin quickly? Is he free of habitual or besetting sin? Does he let his understanding that God loves people drive him to love people, too? Has he kept all the promises and vows he's made? Does he treat single women as his sisters in all purity?
- Does he have the skills and knowledge necessary for marriage - leadership skills, conflict resolution skills, social skills, life skills, financial skills and knowledge, knowledge of how marriage works, and a fairly good idea of how the opposite sex's mind works,? Or, is he willing and determined to become so (and willing to wait until he's got a good handle on it before asking for her)? Is he finished with his education and have a career that can support a family?
- Is he emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually healthy, or willing and determined to become so (and willing to wait until he's got it before asking for her)? This is key: is he teachable? Is he open to advice from older Christians who've seen a lot of life and know their Bibles?
- Is he available? (no previous relationships that still have an emotional or legal hold on him, either in God's eyes or the law's eyes). Does he have a clean criminal record?
Which boils down to:
Is he godly?
Is he ready?
Is he healthy?
Is he available?
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:05:47 PM
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Eutychus
Posts: 9820
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From: Dothan, AL
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tscoffey
quote:
...to (sic) afraid to stop him
You have the answer right before your eyes. She was a victim. Initial poor choice, yes, but later a victim.
I would add: If you're still hung up on her former BF after 2 years, then by all means break up with her. She deserves someone who loves her for who she is, not looked down on for someone she used to date.
_____________________________
Jesus answered and said to them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent." -John 6:29
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:07:18 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3367
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
I thought I would post this here in the married forum to see how you all dealt with your pasts.
My GF has had only one BF before me. He was four years older, smoked, drank, drugs, worked in a bar. Drop out. Tatooes.
How do I deal with all that they did? She is still a virgin. He did grope her. She pretended that she was asleep, to afraid to stop him. How do i deal with their relationship? We've been together two years. This still hurts.
Are you both saved? Has your girlfriend asked God to forgive her for her sins? Have you? If so, it's finished and under the blood of Jesus.
How do you deal with it? You leave it under the blood of Jesus.
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:21:15 PM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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She is a great, godly, girl.
Great with kids (we volunteer in the church nursery)
Everyone at church respects her and loves her. She sings with me in the praiseband. She reads her bible and does what it says, she loves God and we encourage eachother in our faith often. She is great with money, she follows my leadership (when applicable, now I am not her leader, her father is) We work through conflict very well, we have read and done many pre marriage books, as well as counciling with my pastor on issues such as communication. She is a healthy, stable, godly girl. We have gone over her past with him, we have discussed it, and dealt with it as a couple.
I did not mean to make her sound bad. Yes, she has changed much over the past years. She has very much shifted from who she once was. She values herself now, she knows she deserves a Godly man. She was in that relationship because that was the best she thought she could get. All she knew was divorce. Her brothers drank and did drugs and had tatooes so she thought thats how guys were. Her dad was gone (from the divorce) and her mother and step-father would leave porn on around the house, ect.
She has moved in with her father and step mother, and since then she has changed and these changes have stayed. She learned from God's word his design for marriage and relationships. She learned that she had a deep value. Her self image as well as body image changed. God has worked wonders in her life.
I am hurt by her past relationship; I know she was a victim.
In Josh Harris' book Boy meets Girl he talks about how her got over his wifes past fornication and sin. (great book on courtship and marrying the right person for the right reasons) He said time will lesson the sting, though it will never fully go away.
God has blessed us as a couple. We have grown closer to Him, we have served together, most recently we went to Ukraine together to do children's and youth camps. We have the same goal in mind, serving in ministry. We have gone through a book called Before you Marry which is on sifting through your families influence on us concerning marriage, family, ect... It was a great study (which we did in Ukraine) and we communicated a good 12 to 15 hours from it.
She is an amazing woman.
I just want to know if there is something besides time that could help. I don't think about her past much at all, very very very rarely. When i do though, its painful.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:25:21 PM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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Please Eutychus,
I am not hung up on that. It is in the past, it is gone.
We have prayed about it. We have cried about it. By your definition Josh Harris should now divorce his wife. No, there is pain accompanied with these things. Are you telling me to bury my heart?
I've posted to seek advice on how those married have dealt with things like this. So please, instead of critizing me, encourage me in love and help a christian brother.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:32:39 PM
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Judson50
Posts: 279
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You deal with the same way Jesus deals with your sin.
If she is saved, and Christ forgave and saved her - then you too need to be on the same page Jesus is.
The true issue here is trust. DO you trust her can you trust her? If you can't get over this, then you need to step out of the relationship and admit it. Without that, You'll just end up hurting her more than you can EVER imagine.
_____________________________
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy Proverbs 27:6
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:34:25 PM
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EclecticJoy
Posts: 9346
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here . . . and that's exactly where I want to be!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
In Josh Harris' book Boy meets Girl he talks about how her got over his wifes past fornication and sin. (great book on courtship and marrying the right person for the right reasons) He said time will lesson the sting, though it will never fully go away. Maybe for him, but that doesn't have to be the case for everyone else. That's his intentional choice to allow the hurt to remain.
Besides, her past is her past . . . at least that's how our Lord views things when one has truly repented of anything.
Have you ever in your life told a lie? Had an impure thought of any kind (not just sexually-impure)?
Do you think your girlfriend needs to take personal offense at things that you did before y'all even met?
A godly woman deserves a godly man . . . and a godly man is going to realize that people make mistakes. Godly men are not going to choose to let someone's past "hurt" them in any way.
God didn't say that he would forgive people's sin except for sexual sins. Neither did he say that He would remove people's transgressions as far as the east is from the west, except for sexual sins. His forgiveness is all-inclusive (See Psalm 103).
I would encourage you to pray to Our Lord for His Wisdom and His Guidance. I would also encourage you to ask Our Lord to help him see your girlfriend through His Eyes and not from your knowledge of her past.
Be blessed,
Sharon-Marie
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:34:54 PM
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Eutychus
Posts: 9820
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Dothan, AL
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
Please Eutychus,
I am not hung up on that. It is in the past, it is gone.
We have prayed about it. We have cried about it. By your definition Josh Harris should now divorce his wife. No, there is pain accompanied with these things. Are you telling me to bury my heart?
Unless you two are married and infidelity occurred after your marriage to her, I'm not sure Josh Harris' book has anything to do with your situation. I don't even know who he is.
What I'm telling you is that her past really isn't your business and you have no right to feel hurt. She owes you no apology and it's not your place to forgive her.
If she was my daughter, I'd be very, very concerned about your "pain" over something that happened before you two got together.
_____________________________
Jesus answered and said to them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent." -John 6:29
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:37:16 PM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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I never said I did not forgive her! She is saved, I am saved, we have prayed and cried about this, I have forgiven her like Jesus has. I TRUST her. She is very trustworthy.
I can get over this, I HAVE gotten over this. Please try and understand me.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:40:14 PM
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Eutychus
Posts: 9820
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Dothan, AL
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
I never said I did not forgive her! She is saved, I am saved, we have prayed and cried about this, I have forgiven her like Jesus has. I TRUST her. She is very trustworthy.
I can get over this, I HAVE gotten over this. Please try and understand me.
Okay, then what is the issue? I confess that sometimes I'm slow to catch on.
_____________________________
Jesus answered and said to them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent." -John 6:29
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:41:48 PM
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EclecticJoy
Posts: 9346
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If you have gotten over this, then why does it still hurt you?
Why did it even hurt you to begin with?
Who brings up these conversations between the two of y'all? You or her?
Would you consider that her tears are actually over how you are holding onto a hurt that doesn't even belong to you in the first place? Your being hurt over something that happened before you even knew her is actually a veiled judgment against her.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:44:40 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 3120
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
This still hurts.
quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
I just want to know if there is something besides time that could help. I don't think about her past much at all, very very very rarely. When i do though, its painful.
Are you feeling pain on behalf of what she went through?
Or is it about another aspect?
Seems like a moment like that is a time to take thoughts captive to Christ and to pray... for God's mercy and grace, for her, for you, for your future together (over in Relationships, your thread seemed to point that you two are preparing for marriage... to get engaged at some point).
Praying Scripture is a good way to demolish strongholds -- which it appears that these bothersome thoughts might just be. (See 2 Corinthians 10:3-5.)
_____________________________
"I like to stride, not mince." -- Maggie
Prayer thread for singles who desire to marry someday
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:50:44 PM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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I have not judged her for this. It did happen before we were together. She shared it with me by her choice alone. She said that I had a right to know what she has been through, that if this relationship went any further then I need to know about; she said she did not want this to come up later and that we needed to deal with it then.
Maybe hurt is not the right word. Sad? Someone hurt her, and she cried when she told me about it. I cried with her. I saw her pain, and it hurt me that someone really hurt her in that way.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:52:19 PM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
This still hurts.
quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
I just want to know if there is something besides time that could help. I don't think about her past much at all, very very very rarely. When i do though, its painful.
Are you feeling pain on behalf of what she went through?
Or is it about another aspect?
Seems like a moment like that is a time to take thoughts captive to Christ and to pray... for God's mercy and grace, for her, for you, for your future together (over in Relationships, your thread seemed to point that you two are preparing for marriage... to get engaged at some point).
Praying Scripture is a good way to demolish strongholds -- which it appears that these bothersome thoughts might just be. (See 2 Corinthians 10:3-5.)
I have heard the term stronghold so many times but no one has ever explained it fully. What is a stronghold?
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 2:58:24 PM
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EclecticJoy
Posts: 9346
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From: Here . . . and that's exactly where I want to be!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
I have not judged her for this. It did happen before we were together. She shared it with me by her choice alone. She said that I had a right to know what she has been through, that if this relationship went any further then I need to know about; she said she did not want this to come up later and that we needed to deal with it then.
Maybe hurt is not the right word. Sad? Someone hurt her, and she cried when she told me about it. I cried with her. I saw her pain, and it hurt me that someone really hurt her in that way.
OK.
But, then why did you ask this in the thread's OP?
quote:
How do i deal with their relationship?
That's what I'm basing my answers on; your OP gives the impression that you are upset over your girlfriend's relationship with a previous boyfriend.
Being sad over pain that someone has experienced is completely different than being upset (hurt) over something they did.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:00:14 PM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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Let me correct what I said.
How do I deal with somone really hurting her? That was what I was going for. Forgive me if my word choice led you the wrong way.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:04:31 PM
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EclecticJoy
Posts: 9346
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From: Here . . . and that's exactly where I want to be!
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You pray.
You pray for her; that Our Lord will comfort her and heal any remaining hurt.
You pray for whomever has hurt her; that Our Lord will lead them to Him.
And, you pray for yourself, as well; for Our Lord's Wisdom and Guidance regarding the situation.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:05:49 PM
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crankius
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I think you need to give this burden of her pain over to God.
I think it would be beneficial for you to examine exactly why you are struggling so much with what happened to her.
You might be struggling with a couple things: the desire to fix her pain and what happened with this fella, or the frustration over how her experience may have "tainted" her and made her no longer pure.
Just possibilities. It will help the discussion and help you if you can clearly explain why this is such a burden to you.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
God's Attributes
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:12:09 PM
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EclecticJoy
Posts: 9346
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From: Here . . . and that's exactly where I want to be!
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blueinsulation67 . . . if I may, why did you title this thread, "Past sexual sin"?
Again, that points to underlying feelings / attitudes you may be having toward your girlfriend (of which you may not even be aware).
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:12:26 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1227
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quote:
How do I deal with someone really hurting her? That was what I was going for. Forgive me if my word choice led you the wrong way.
*According to your OP she was groped by her ex-bf... this was 2 years ago... I know what groped means but it sounds like more than groping went on -- you said someone really hurt her is there more to this story than what you have said so far?
Do you believe more than groping took place?
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:13:11 PM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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What do you mean give it over to God Crankius? What does that look like? I have been in church since I was in the womb. I do not know what these phrases everyone uses look like in practice.
I do want to fix her pain and make it go away. Before everyone starts I know God is the healer of her pain. I am a man. Men want to fix things, especially things that hurt their honeys.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:14:06 PM
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crankius
Posts: 3340
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: crankius
I think you need to give this burden of her pain over to God.
Let me elaborate a bit.
Put this burden at the foot of the cross. Recognize that your shoulders were not made to carry this pain. Know firmly that Christ died for the sins of your girlfriend, for your own sins, and for the sins of the creepo who acted inappropriately with her.
See how Christ willingly gave His life to make atonement. Let His shoulders carry this burden.
Your girlfriend is forgiven. What she needs in a future husband is someone who is eagerly willing to tackle any future problems knowing that through Christ this can be overcome. She deserves a bright happy future free from the burdens of the past.
I'm afraid that your ongoing pain over this is only going to burden her more and make her feel bad and feel guilty over something she is already forgiven for.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
God's Attributes
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