RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new just a few date and phone convos)
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/9/2010 2:20:54 PM
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jaimestarcross
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quote:
I promise I wasn't trying to be mean, but if someone is likely to have a high need for physical intimacy and/or children and someone will not/cannot provide that, it has to be considered.
*I can understand what you are getting attheprincessbuttercup.
According to the post the man has a back injury... so I can understand why he can't do the mechanic job... puts a lot of stress on the back and he may have to be in certain positions for an extended period of time not to mention carry heavy loads etc. He's considering the mobile oil changing business... nothing wrong with that and perhaps he's seeing how it will affect his back and getting the business funded. He has to be careful so he doesn't do further damage to his back.
With the injury he has many places won't touch him.
I know a lot of people with back injuries who are in fact injured and can't work. I also know some who can work and have made the effort to seek employment only to be passed over again and again. I know some fakes also.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/10/2010 12:36:36 AM
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sweetandhappy
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both of those scenarios bother me for different reasons. the not "working" to provide a check bugs me deep down on a primal level ( you can use your mind primarily to work)...i am pretty sure his disability is legit my problem is more with not saying "hey I need to come up with plan b--I have up to 30 more years to live before retirement and this check will not get it for the rest of my life (he also has two children)--God is the ultimate on only provider and He will provide...in many ways.... new opportunities to earn a living and an education along with the ability to do well in all. it's more of a "what are you thinking" type of feeling...
when i say he can shovel snow, cut grass and bag it, fix cars (all within limits and with pacing) then to me that means you can work to some degree and can capitalize on it, if not in a physical job you can using your energy to get more education and training. I think he has done physical labor for faaar too long....time to develop a new side of himself, he's a patient person and has alot of knowledge others could benefit from, he could teach mechanics, he could mentor kids, he plays drums and guitar he could teach people to play...while prayerfully God heals his body and/or provides a way for him to provide---becaus ehe is not totally disabled and certainly not disabled in mind, spirit or intention.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
Either way, it's apparent that it bothers her. If she has a problem with a man who doesn't work to bring in a paycheck then this isn't the man for her. The relationship might be very new but she is wisely considering whether he is marriage material for her.
Sweetandhappy, does it bother you that he wouldn't be working and providing financially or would you be ok with him being on disability long term if he truly needs it? I'm just wondering if it would really make a difference if you found out the disability is legit and it really would be nearly impossible for him to get a job.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/10/2010 1:04:16 AM
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deermousie
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Okay, that's fine; but I'd let him find the new career before he starts a second family that the career has to provide for. If he's going to find a new career, you waiting will drive him to it or show that he doesn't want to do it.
I'm sorry that he has the disabilities... it makes life, which is never easy, far harder. It can be done but it's tough. May God bless you both.
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People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/10/2010 1:25:55 AM
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sweetandhappy
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i hear ya. also another thing that bothers me about disability in this kind borderline disability situation is the "stuck" quality that comes with it...if you try to work within limits or part time then you put the precious "check" in jepardy arrrgggh, addtionally you worry that if you work you will further the injury...my goodness i just hate the feeling that this check thing can control the way you conduct your his/our life when there are soo many other opportunities for him.
quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
Okay, that's fine; but I'd let him find the new career before he starts a second family that the career has to provide for. If he's going to find a new career, you waiting will drive him to it or show that he doesn't want to do it.
I'm sorry that he has the disabilities... it makes life, which is never easy, far harder. It can be done but it's tough. May God bless you both.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/10/2010 1:29:34 AM
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sweetandhappy
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i could be wrong but it seems like succumbing to a final limiting and constricting decision about a temporary problem...i am used to God providing "a way out of no way", or at least looking for it.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/10/2010 7:22:54 AM
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laura...
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Sweetandhappy, All your posts indicate that this is not the man for you.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/10/2010 10:25:44 AM
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bolt.
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quote:
both of those scenarios bother me for different reasons. the not "working" to provide a check bugs me deep down on a primal level ( you can use your mind primarily to work)...i am pretty sure his disability is legit my problem is more with not saying "hey I need to come up with plan b--I have up to 30 more years to live before retirement and this check will not get it for the rest of my life (he also has two children)--God is the ultimate on only provider and He will provide...in many ways.... new opportunities to earn a living and an education along with the ability to do well in all. it's more of a "what are you thinking" type of feeling...
when i say he can shovel snow, cut grass and bag it, fix cars (all within limits and with pacing) then to me that means you can work to some degree and can capitalize on it, if not in a physical job you can using your energy to get more education and training. I think he has done physical labor for faaar too long....time to develop a new side of himself, he's a patient person and has alot of knowledge others could benefit from, he could teach mechanics, he could mentor kids, he plays drums and guitar he could teach people to play...while prayerfully God heals his body and/or provides a way for him to provide---becaus ehe is not totally disabled and certainly not disabled in mind, spirit or intention.
I strongly advise you NOT to pursue a relationship with this man.
It takes a very different kind of person, and a very different attitude to choose marriage to a man with limitations. It would be deeply painful for both of you, to have your relationship strained by the goals and expectations that you have expressed towards him in this post.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/10/2010 10:43:26 AM
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deermousie
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sweetandhappy
i could be wrong but it seems like succumbing to a final limiting and constricting decision about a temporary problem...i am used to God providing "a way out of no way", or at least looking for it.
Wellllll.... it runs counter to what Jesus said in Luke 14:28-30:
"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish."
Now the context was giving up everything to follow God, but sometimes the concept is true from the smaller to the larger. So, think it over and see if it could fit into God's plan. What it is saying is that you have to know if you have the resources to do the job. You'll want to include this, too:
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
- 1 Timothy 5:8
God demands that a man provide for his family, with huge spiritual consequences if he doesn't. If God insists a man provide for his family, does that mean God will do it? How could God say a man denied the faith if he's waiting for God's help to provide for his family in faith?
This guy already has a family - how is he doing providing for them now? It's been a need for years, so what he's doing is what he's done. Now if he marries you, it increases the load on him. If you guys had children, how well could he support them?
How temporary has his problem been? Years? Don't answer me but answer yourself; it could be a brake on your feelings if you've already decided to marry this guy. I can imagine hearing from a person in that situation in a few years:
"He could be retraining for a new career but he doesn't, and I'm so tired of nagging him. He can't even take care of his kids from his first marriage, and now we have small children so I can't work and I'm so tired and poor and I feel so helpless and alone. I don't have the strength to love him anymore."
Please think this through; you may be throwing yourself off the cliff and insisting God catch you. He might catch you if you fall off the cliff while doing his will (think about Shadrack, Meshak and Abednigo) or He might not. He doesn't have to; His ways are beyond our understanding. We can't order God around.
(((HUgs)))
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People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/10/2010 4:29:26 PM
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sweetandhappy
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However, in your case, I don't think "being on disability" is the real red flag. It's all the waffling and reasons he "can't" do this or that, and half-hearted musings about some kind of vague "plan B." This points to a man who is not self-motivated and not assertive. THAT is a problem.
^^^exactly...whether he was on disability or not that fact would bother me--where's the plan-the vision? I love working out a vision in God :-)
Let me be clear--he is a GREAT man in many ways... very family, love, honor oriented. He loves to love. Played bass and/or drums every sunday in church for 13 years.
Strong character, builds strong value based boundries around what is and is not acceptable in his family and from others around his family. Very wise when it comes to growing a srong family unit--that I have absolutely NO doubt about. I think because he made his living with his physical strength (which is MASSIVE) for so long he finds it difficult to conceive of a more strategic education based plan--I find a lot of hard working "nice guys" are like this. SOmetimes men in general are linear thinkers whole women can plan in more complex multi-layered ways... He definitely gets his biblical role, and feels God has provided a way for him to "contribute financially" (2200 to 2700 a month from disability). He has no debt at all (I do!!! Grad school tuition :-)) He fully trusts God will provide and that we are to wear the material things of the world "like a loose garmet"...
Loves to take care of the family, this man will change diapers 24/7 feed kids at 1 am, clean up (loves to clean LOL)....he loves being a unit and working together to make a home (it's all he talks about) His favorite thing is to pamper and cater to his kids and woman...he loves taking care of the cars, the lawn, making sure there is gas in the cars, the locks are secure, worshiping together, going to family events, being the guy who drives us everywhere, opening the doors and all that stuff...he loooves to cater and pamper--it's what makes him happy....loves to be supportive in my pursuits- or anyone's- not a mean, selfish bone in his body--wants to please the Lord and me :-) pleasing is his joy. So all of this is why it's a bit difficult to give him up. I hear all of the wisdom here, believe me--this is serious prayer and fasting time. We will see....
What I do know deep down in my soul is that this man is FULL of Love and that he would make any woman happy in terms of the love and attention he would give. now if that is enough to whetehr the strains that may come with the rest of the situation is the question.
quote:
ORIGINAL: theprincessbuttercup
I guess I am mean.....my first instinct was to say run like the wind.
I have a disorder, and many people who have it go on disability. I haven't. I did lose a job recently, and I am looking like crazy for others...every single day. If I do ever get to the place where I truly CANNOT work, or if I have a catastrophic injury, I will have no problem applying for disability.
However, in your case, I don't think "being on disability" is the real red flag. It's all the waffling and reasons he "can't" do this or that, and half-hearted musings about some kind of vague "plan B." This points to a man who is not self-motivated and not assertive. THAT is a problem.
Also, if his disability is that debilitating, there are all sorts of other areas of married life this can affect. Can he go out socially? Is he able to have any type of intimate relationship? If these are parts of a marriage you want to have and he can't do that....that is also a problem.
I think people should go into marriage with ALL eyes open. Because once you say I do....it's done.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/10/2010 4:33:45 PM
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sweetandhappy
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this whole thing is really up to me. this would require a change in my attitude and perspective on balancing the value of what he brings to the relationship (a whole lot of good character based things things that don't grow on trees out here in the world)..... i feel you should always look at a situation and say - if nothing ever changes would you want to be with this person, and would you be content? Big question.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/10/2010 6:29:52 PM
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theprincessbuttercup
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quote:
i feel you should always look at a situation and say - if nothing ever changes would you want to be with this person, and would you be content? Big question.
This is a very wise sentence. ANYONE considering marriage should ask this.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/27/2010 7:10:08 PM
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sweetandhappy
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You know, if all I am thinking is "this has got to change" or "I do not like this", vs "I can live with this" I need to remove myself from the situation. He definitely seems like a good guy with a sweet and thoughtful servant/leader's heart. It's hard to give up but I will eventually let him know I can't live the life he has chosen. Goodness gracious, this is really disapointing :-(
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/27/2010 7:31:30 PM
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sweetandhappy
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HI jaimestarcross: You seem to have a lot of knowledge about this kinda thing. Just FYI: as great a guy as he seems in terms of his spirit and kindness and attentiveness... he can do the following: Ride a motorcycle, drive long distantances, work on cars--all pacing himself. I also just asked him "If you could go to a good paying job that did not place a strain on you physically, like a office job 9-5 would you do it?" He said "no , working a job is too stressful, I want to have my own business (he's mentioned this before-mobile oil changing)...they tell you what to do, you have to ask for time off, you have to be there when they want you to..etc.." He also told me he got into a car accident (someone hit him ) and injured his back before the injury at his job that put him on disability. He told me the job paid him for a while (long term I believe he paid into) then he sued them and won a big lump sum (all gone now) also sued the insurance company when he was hit by the car-because "they didn't want to give me all the money" (I guess there is a typical amount the give, he wanted more--he got it). He also got some kind of other lump sum (all gone--he did make a few smart purchases). Doesn't sound like he wants to work (for other people) to me--no matter what. I think some of his statements tell the tale here. I don't lke the sound of it. Also if he wants to do this business I would imagine being on disability simply causes inertia because he "can't work" in order to keep getting check..I have suggested going to school (that way you have options-who knows when they will change criteria for disability-what if you start your buisness and they find out and take the check, then you have nothing to fall back on)...very luke warm to that suggestion..He is constantly saying he wants to be married, loves married life, loves being a family, loves taking care of home, houshold upkeep outside and in, making sure wife is happy "working together" to provide....thoughts?
quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
According to the post the man has a back injury... so I can understand why he can't do the mechanic job... puts a lot of stress on the back and he may have to be in certain positions for an extended period of time not to mention carry heavy loads etc. He's considering the mobile oil changing business... nothing wrong with that and perhaps he's seeing how it will affect his back and getting the business funded. He has to be careful so he doesn't do further damage to his back.
With the injury he has many places won't touch him.
I know a lot of people with back injuries who are in fact injured and can't work. I also know some who can work and have made the effort to seek employment only to be passed over again and again. I know some fakes also.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/27/2010 7:42:27 PM
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bolt.
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A fine person... not a good match for you.
Sorry.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/27/2010 8:05:38 PM
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sweetandhappy
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So Bolt..would I be giving up a very good man, because of these issues. I get the "best match" thiing...but I don't want to be stupid when this guy is so sweet and loves the Lord, loves to go to workship, have a christian home etc...do you get what I mean? Don't want to look back and say "I should have married him-may very well had been happy with him."
quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
A fine person... not a good match for you.
Sorry.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/27/2010 8:51:17 PM
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laura...
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I don't think you'd be giving up a good man. I think you'd be walking way from a potential disaster. He seems like a disability fraud waiting to get caught. He also is showing a history of wasteful spending.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/27/2010 9:21:26 PM
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1redfern
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sweetandhappy
So Bolt..would I be giving up a very good man, because of these issues. I get the "best match" thiing...but I don't want to be stupid when this guy is so sweet and loves the Lord, loves to go to workship, have a christian home etc...do you get what I mean? Don't want to look back and say "I should have married him-may very well had been happy with him."
quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
A fine person... not a good match for you.
Sorry.
I haven't read all of the posts yet, but I did want to point out that marrying the wrong man is wrong all the way around. He may be a wonderful man, but if he's not the right man for you then you are doing yourself and him a great disservice if you marry.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/27/2010 9:28:58 PM
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Elena1030
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sweetandhappy
So Bolt..would I be giving up a very good man, because of these issues. I get the "best match" thiing...but I don't want to be stupid when this guy is so sweet and loves the Lord, loves to go to workship, have a christian home etc...do you get what I mean? Don't want to look back and say "I should have married him-may very well had been happy with him."
quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
A fine person... not a good match for you.
Sorry.
Hmm...
Maybe consider it from this angle:
I don't think the idea of choosing him to marry b/c you might not find anyone else and you'd regret not having taken this "one" chance -- essentially, hedging your bet -- is really what you ultimately want to do... or what he would want for himself. Do you?
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/27/2010 10:41:20 PM
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CMT8808
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SweetandHappy~
It is all fine and dandy that he wants to be Mr. Mom, but what he is not telling is, if you get married your choices.
either you do not work, because with him being on disability you are not allowed to make over a certain amount, or
He loses his disability and you finance the household.
You can find all this information on the social security website
CMT
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/28/2010 2:15:03 AM
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TexasKitKat
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"this man really wants to be married..really into me....and i really like alot of his character and qualities..."
A little advice from someone who's been married to the same man over 40 years....
I don't see anywhere in your posts where you say you love him. I see a lot of you saying things you like or dislike about him, how he treats you, the kids, the church, etc.
You don't seem to say anything about how you want to treat him, what you want to do for him, be for him, help him with, etc. Marriage is not about "what's in it for me?"
And while you shouldn't be stupid about marrying someone, it's also not a decision to make merely with your head ie listing the pros and cons. Your heart must be considered...and most importantly, the will of God.
God's thoughts are not our thoughts and seldom do we discern His will through our thinking rather than our listening...to our hearts and to the Lord. He may be a good, godly man but is he THE good, godly man God intends for YOU?
Maybe it's too soon in the relationship to be considering these things so I apologize if you think I'm out of line.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/28/2010 2:53:50 AM
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deermousie
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It seems like this man wants the benefits of a wife but isn't knocking himself out to be good husband material (God commands a husband to be a provider - 1 Tim. 5:8)
Yeah, a lot of us would like to get without having to give anything in return, but we don't do that because we know it's not right. Only dependent children and helpless old parents are supposed to get that treatment.
Do you know what happened in his first marriage? Was it a Biblical divorce so that he's actually free to remarry now? What was his role in the destruction of his marriage? What does his ex-wife say think?
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/28/2010 9:19:27 AM
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bolt.
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quote:
Don't want to look back and say "I should have married him-may very well had been happy with him."
Then don't! You are in charge of your thought life, and you shouldn't let things like that run 'round in your head and make you nuts.
It's perfectly clear that this man's lack of work ethic is not OK with you, and that you will not be OK with him until / unless he develops one that is more according to your values. That factor will add anger and a sense of defeat and rejection to every day of a potential marriage. You will try to change yourself and him, he will try to change himself and you -- neither of you will be happy.
If disability payments really are effected by a 'household' income limit, as CMT8808 says (and if that allowed income is less than you would probably be making as your career goes on)... Well that's a recipe for disaster. He will never understand why you would work for nothing, and never care that workplaces have their challenges. You will never understand how he can be content in a life that does not involve actually working for his own keep and you will resent his lack of support for your workplace life.
It's just not going to work... Except in one very specific case (1) if you can make a reasonable income without effecting his payments, and (2) if you actually want and can respect a 'house husband' that raises your kids and makes dinner while you go to work and -- is perfectly happy to do so (has no desire to be an income earner, ever).
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/28/2010 11:11:12 AM
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Katie-Scarlet
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quote:
I get the "best match" thing...but I don't want to be stupid when this guy is so sweet and loves the Lord, loves to go to works hip, have a christian home etc...do you get what I mean?
He is not the only sweet loves the lord, loves to worship and have a christian home man on the planet. Its better to be a happy single than a miserable couple. You will undoubtedly cross many such men but they are all not the right one for you. Don't worry about looking back for a what if, God doesn't look back he moves and looks forward. Remember happy single not miserable couple. Patience is a virtue.
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/28/2010 12:05:40 PM
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jaimestarcross
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quote:
Also if he wants to do this business I would imagine being on disability simply causes inertia because he "can't work" in order to keep getting check..I have suggested going to school (that way you have options-who knows when they will change criteria for disability-what if you start your buisness and they find out and take the check, then you have nothing to fall back on)...very luke warm to that suggestion..He is constantly saying he wants to be married, loves married life, loves being a family, loves taking care of home, houshold upkeep outside and in, making sure wife is happy "working together" to provide....thoughts?
*My older brother is on disability and you can work... there's some rules involved as to how much... my brother's condition will one day leave him unable to walk. He has a home all set up for that...lift, handicap accessories etc.
He does landscaping part time in the spring and summer.
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He has no debt at all...
*Well that is nice...considering in this day and time how many folks are up to their eyeballs in debt!
He's happy being Mr. Mom this isn't a bad thing, however, in your situation the man's role is somewhat reversed he's home doing for the family... points for him for being a loving dad and for paying off his debts.
That is a bonus for a woman who is seeking a family man who has no debt.
He's a Mr. Mom (and enjoys that role) and he has income from disability plus he has no debt but the bonus is he is a Christian man. He has flaws and you have flaws. We only know of his flaws as you
have revealed them here.
It is wise to think about making a commitment to marriage before you walk down the aisle. From what I can ascertain you are doing that... but I bet you didn't figure your own flaws into the scenario did you?
I assume you are working since you have a student loan to re-pay... do you also have a car loan? some credit card debt(no matter how small?) and no doubt you are paying rent somewhere?
And you have drive and are thinking about future events(going over those "what ifs')... bonus you are also a Christian woman.
If, that's a big IF --If you decided to marry him you could use the money you once paid out in rent to invest or you could use half of that money and apply more money toward paying off the student loan and the other half you could invest. Hubby would be happy being Mr. Mom and you could continue doing the job you are doing. Each of you have talents, different ones but they can be used to make a marriage work well. Having differences isn't always a bad thing, it depends on how you use those differences in the marriage... they will either compliment or clash... the key is learning to work with those differences... and not to get into thinking all men or women should do A, B, C etc. --- there are some who do A, B but not C but they do D, E etc..
{This reminds me of 1 Corinthians 12: 12-31 talking about the body(being one) having many members etc... you can read those verses for more clarity.}
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shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Seems like he Loves God on disability (very new jus... - 7/29/2010 1:54:24 AM
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New-Horizons
Posts: 85
Status: offline
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Sweet-And-Happy,
I am going to ask you a question and please dont feel like you have to answer it publicly. I also dont want this to come across the wrong way so I pray that I can ask it the right way.
Do you feel that perhaps this man is the ONLY man that is out there for you and that you wont be able to find another guy with similar Christian qualities? Men are everywhere...and God might have someone else in mind for you who WILL work and support you and the family. Dont settle. I also agree with what everyone has said about him not having drive and ambition etc. If he has so much time on his hands he can be going to college or working on something else like starting his own business. I have a friend on disability and they do allow her to go to school (she doesnt go cause her condition is that bad but she could if she wanted to).
He probably does not feel good about himself. Hes getting little done and he probably feels incompetent even though he is not. Its the fact that he is not working that probably does a number to his self image and self-esteem too. We all have to be productive in some way whether that be studying, working, raising kids, or drawing for that matter. We have to do something..if not we will suffer because we are not using our gifts and talents to become the people we are designed to be.
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